Probably not what you think. Actually, this is a dilemma that sooner or later faces most of us who write -- and even those of us who read and have zero desire to write.
You hate your friend's work.
Okay, maybe hate is too strong. But you don't particularly care for it, and now you've been asked for an opinion. Maybe you've been asked to blurb it.
There are two common scenarios for this:
The first scenario is probably the most common. Your friend has a new book out. You love your friend but her work just isn't your cup of tea. Maybe it's worse than that. Maybe you find her work glib, pretentious, and artificial. Her characters are book people, not real people. Her plots are contrived and schmaltzy. Her writing is of the See Me Stand On My Head variety. But she's always said nice things about you and your work.
So her book is out and she either sends you a copy -- or she doesn't.
If she doesn't that's safe enough. Loyal friends buy each other's books (except when we exchange them). You can always be too busy to read it yet. Yet. You're getting to it. Soon. Personally, I think the loyal thing to do is buy the book and just keep your mouth shut.
If she sends you a copy...well, same thing. I personally feel more obligated to try and read it in that case, but...I'll restrain myself to general and vague comments. Glad it's doing so well for you! That kind of thing.
I personally don't believe that honesty is always the best policy. In fact, sometimes I think it's an excuse to get your aggressions out.
What if your friend asks your opinion outright? Do you waffle and say, it's well-written but not your thang? Maybe that's even true. Do you lie and say you loved it? Do you waffle even more and say you just haven't had a chance to read it yet -- two years later?
What do you do?
**I should probably hasten to add here that I have many books by friends in my TBR files, and I really am -- hand to God -- too busy to read them yet. This post is not for you. I promise you.**
Second scenario. Your friend is having trouble with a a story and sends it to you for an educated opinion.
And the book has problems. Major problems.
Do you tell your friend the book has major problems or do you simply reassure her?
I think, very honestly, it will depend on the friend. Some people can take the truth -- keeping in mind that your opinion -- however experienced -- is still just your opinion. Some people can't. Some people think they can take the truth until they have to listen to it.
I'll tell you right now that if anyone asks me for an honest opinion, I'm going to give it. And if I'm not asked directly for an honest opinion, I will keep my negative thoughts to myself. I will find something nice to say. However tangential. I LOVE your cover!
I've seen friendships crumble over honesty -- I've seen writing partnerships crumble over it. And I've come to the conclusion that part of the responsibility lies with the person asking for help, or a reading, or an opinion. Don't ask if you don't want to hear the truth!
And if you did ask, and you got the truth, take a little responsiblity for it.
It's that simple. If what you really want is reassurance, pick your sounding-board accordingly. Don't come to me, for example, when you know I wrote a book about writing and have strong opinions on such things as characterization and pacing and conflict. Because I'm of the mindset that if I believe you've come to me for help, I'm going to try and help you. And I think being honest about craft is helpful.
Also, when you ask another writer for an opinion, make sure it's clear in your mind what you like and don't like about that author's work. So if you hate my dialog, and I tell you your dialog is weak, well, you know how seriously to take that opinion. A lot of this is subjective. Take into account where your career is versus the author you go to for advice. If you're both about on the same level as far as sales and critical acclaim, well, you can take or leave the advice (although I really think there is nothing to beat getting an objective opinion from an author whose work you respect). If the author is an enthusiastic but still aspiring author, listen to the advice -- but if anything goes against your own instinct, go with your instinct.
As for the writer being asked for the opinion...you also need to be realistic. If you know for a fact that your friend has more than a little bit of an ego, tread warily. You can always say you're too busy to take a look right now. Or you can simply reassure and focus on the elements that work in the story.
My take? Be careful with the truth. It's a two-edged sword.
What do you think? What do you say when you don't care for a writing friend's work?
27 comments:
God knows I've never held back my opinion on anything. I regularly review books by authors I chat with and/or hang out with and count as friends. If I don't like a story, I say so, friend or not. I have no problem playing Frisbee with a book that sucks fuzzy rocks. If I hurt anyone's feelings...well, shit happens.
Authors have GOT to learn how to separate their work from themselves. Someone not liking a book is no reflection on their opinion of the author as a person.
randomly: why is my captcha word 'prong'?
No author friends so I'm off the hook, but I figure it's the same as most friend relationships.
I twirl in front of you in my new party frock. "How do I look?"
If you know it makes my ass look the size of Texas and I'm going to be the laughing stock of the party say something for god's sake. If the fuscia color makes your eyes bleed but otherwise its fine, shut up and say I look lovely. I LOVE the color and so do the other people who bought it.
So I think there's a difference between telling someone their books sucks because personally vampire stories make you want to hurl and telling them their dialogue is going to send people into gales of laughter during the serious parts because of X, Y or Z. Brutal honesty is NOT always the best policy. Diplomacy is a skill that can be cultivated without compromising your ethics. That's my opinon, feel free to dispute it. (Actually don't, I don't want to know, I just said that to be polite. :-)
If you know it makes my ass look the size of Texas and I'm going to be the laughing stock of the party say something for god's sake. If the fuscia color makes your eyes bleed but otherwise its fine, shut up and say I look lovely. I LOVE the color and so do the other people who bought it.
Good thought -- which reminds me. Timing matters. If there's still time for you to change the dress, then I might say...not a good look for you, my darling. But if you're already at the party? Why spoil your fun when there's nothing you can do about it? Maybe your confidence and sparkling personality will win the day!
God knows I've never held back my opinion on anything. I regularly review books by authors I chat with and/or hang out with and count as friends. If I don't like a story, I say so, friend or not. I have no problem playing Frisbee with a book that sucks fuzzy rocks. If I hurt anyone's feelings...well, shit happens.
But you are a reviewer, so the dynamic is a little different there.
And sometimes I know it can be difficult to maintain a friendship and a reviewer relationship. It's a delicate balance. We do expect friends to care about our feelings, to support us. Especially if they have insider knowledge. Like if I'm a nervous wreck about Book X and If I'm talking to you off-line about that, and then you review Book X and target all the concerns I've had with it...that's going to read like betrayal.
This is purely hypothetical, by the way! Just thinking aloud.
Authors have GOT to learn how to separate their work from themselves. Someone not liking a book is no reflection on their opinion of the author as a person.
I think it is a little different with reviewing -- even if the reviewer is a friend. If you met them first and foremost through their reviewing...and you send them something to review...then you can't ask them to pull their punches.
What about this, though. What if you DON'T send them something to review, but they review it anyway, and harshly? As the reviewer, I would recuse myself, I think, rather than harshly review a friend's book -- unless the friend is asking for the review.
What's your take?
randomly: why is my captcha word 'prong'?
*splutter!*
As an editor with friends who ask for help with work they are struggling on, I try to be both honest and diplomatic. If I see a problem and don't mention it, that may be what gets their work rejected (or earns a bad review!). But the old saying "you catch more flies with honey" is also true. If I blast someone with a rude attitude, they aren't going to listen to my advice -- they are going to be hurt. Politeness costs me nothing, and helps them gain the insight they need.
Having said that, when I offer advice to someone and the first response I get is an excuse as to why they do whatever the way they did, I know they are not trying to learn, just to be affirmed. In that case, I try to step back and not offer any more help. Anyone can take or leave my advice, and if they don't want it, they are free to ignore it, but I won't waste my time affirming when help is what is asked for. I'll just avoid the situation with that person when future requests come in by politely declining (you know, "I'm afraid I just don't have time right now").
If a friend asks for affirmation/reassurance and I feel I can't give it, I would say kindness would probably temper my words, but I won't lie. If the old "I haven't had time to read it" excuse won't work, and avoidance isn't an option, that's all I'm left with. Unless I want to fall back on another old but popular excuse: "it's just not my cup of tea."
Glad it's doing so well for you!
I'm wondering how many people are now trying to remember if you've ever said this about their work. lol
Great post Josh. I agree that if the opinion is asked for then the person who asked needs to be prepared for anything. They can't ask assuming that the person will just say good work and move on.
I admire authors so much because I can't imagine how hard it is to throw yourself out there with your work. It's your baby and you want everyone to like it as much as you do. But everyone might not like it(or at least have definite thoughts about it) and that author needs to be prepared for constructive criticism.
If an author friend asks for an honest opinion, then I will give it. Point out what I loved and didn't love, and why. How I do it depends on who is asking. If it's someone I know is more on the sensentive side, then I'll lightly point out what didn't work for me in the book and limit it to a few key things. If the asker is a new author, then I'll temper my opinions accordingly. I've been a newbie, I've entered my stuff in unpub writing contests years ago and know how it feels to get back a WIP with red lines all over it. Sure, it's just one person's opinion, but I think it's hard for a newer author to take anything constructive from a critique when they feel overwhelmed by everything that needs work.
That being said, it also depends on why I'm being asked for my opinion. If it's someone who is submitting a work to a publisher or agent for consideration, then I won't hold back. I'll give the good with the bad, and try to be as kind about it as possible.
It can be a delicate situation, especially if it's an author acquaintance and not someone I know very well. Even though I know every book isn't for everyone, and we all have different tastes, it does kinda hurt a bit when someone says they didn't like your book. So unless someone specifically asks for my honest, truly honest, opinion, I'll keep any negative thoughts to myself.
...and now I know why authors tell other authors 'I LOVE your cover'. LOL. I'm going to have to be careful about using that line in the future because I don't want someone to think that I didn't like their book and couldn't find anything nice to say about it.
If a friend asks for affirmation/reassurance and I feel I can't give it, I would say kindness would probably temper my words, but I won't lie. If the old "I haven't had time to read it" excuse won't work, and avoidance isn't an option, that's all I'm left with. Unless I want to fall back on another old but popular excuse: "it's just not my cup of tea."
Sure! Sometimes this is perfectly valid, too. There are themes and plots I just don't like -- just don't enjoy no matter who is writing them. I can still give some objective and hopefully useful feedback (if requested), but it's hard to get enthusiastic about a genre that bores you or turns you off.
I think maybe it does help to admit in those cases that you don't maybe get the appeal of zombies, but you did think the characterization rang true (or didn't).
I admire authors so much because I can't imagine how hard it is to throw yourself out there with your work. It's your baby and you want everyone to like it as much as you do. But everyone might not like it(or at least have definite thoughts about it) and that author needs to be prepared for constructive criticism.
And even non-constructive criticism, frankly. It's all part of the writing gig. You either have to learn to ignore -- really ignore -- the peanut gallery, or you have to be willing to listen with an open-mind to both helpful and non-helpful comments. Just because you don't find something helpful, doesn't mean the person offering their advice isn't doing their best to help.
One of the best things a writer can do for her/himself is embrace that old truth: consider the source.
That being said, it also depends on why I'm being asked for my opinion. If it's someone who is submitting a work to a publisher or agent for consideration, then I won't hold back. I'll give the good with the bad, and try to be as kind about it as possible.
Absolutely. If there's still time to "fix" the work, there's nothing to be gained by withholding your observations. If the book is out, and it's really as flawed as you think, the writer will hear it plenty of other places.
It can be a delicate situation, especially if it's an author acquaintance and not someone I know very well. Even though I know every book isn't for everyone, and we all have different tastes, it does kinda hurt a bit when someone says they didn't like your book. So unless someone specifically asks for my honest, truly honest, opinion, I'll keep any negative thoughts to myself.
Absolutely. And if you're already taking a beating from other quarters, the last place you'd need to hear it is from a friend. And if the book isn't taking a beating, then maybe your objections are pretty much subjective.
...and now I know why authors tell other authors 'I LOVE your cover'. LOL. I'm going to have to be careful about using that line in the future because I don't want someone to think that I didn't like their book and couldn't find anything nice to say about it.
Well, sometimes we all just really DO love each other's covers! *g*
This is really an interesting question because at a certain level of writing I think most of a person's development will come from interaction with peers, as opposed to interaction with teachers or people who have some sort of clear authority. So if you crave a sort of constant striving forward into new territory you're naturally going to think of asking your writer friends for help on a difficult work in progress.
I agree that much of the responsibility on this level falls to the asker, and I suggest that if you are going to ask an opinion of a writer friend it should be as specific as possible: What do you think of the climactic scene? What do you think of the protag's relationship with his mother? Or even better: I was trying to get across that this is a loving family that also has some boundary issues, did that come across in the text? Because general, open-ended questions are just a minefield for a respondent.
That said, I firmly believe in never ever commenting negatively or critically on a published work. Because I'm not a reviewer. I feel like any finished piece is just that--finished. Changes are no longer possible so it seems pointless to address flaws, whether they are colossal dealbreakers or just matters of my own personal taste. Reviewers will either find the piece wanting or not but that's their job, not mine.
And just speaking generally about the work of friends: just because a person is your friend really doesn't mean you're obligated to like every story they write. Even if you're in the lucky situation of being in a mutual admiration society most of the time there will be stuff that you write that they're not that into and vice versa. It's perfectly okay to say that you're not into their zombie story if pressed, but I see no reason to go out of your way to give unsolicited criticism or even well-meaning advice that nobody asked for. Not even if the solution to whatever problem you perceive is glaringly obvious to you. That kind of interaction always ends in tears--yours and the tears of that person who is no longer your friend. :)
I agree that much of the responsibility on this level falls to the asker, and I suggest that if you are going to ask an opinion of a writer friend it should be as specific as possible: What do you think of the climactic scene? What do you think of the protag's relationship with his mother? Or even better: I was trying to get across that this is a loving family that also has some boundary issues, did that come across in the text? Because general, open-ended questions are just a minefield for a respondent.
That's very good advice. Too often -- and I'm guilty of this myself -- the question will be, "I'm afraid this isn't working."
Talk about leading with your chin!
That said, I firmly believe in never ever commenting negatively or critically on a published work. Because I'm not a reviewer. I feel like any finished piece is just that--finished. Changes are no longer possible so it seems pointless to address flaws, whether they are colossal dealbreakers or just matters of my own personal taste. Reviewers will either find the piece wanting or not but that's their job, not mine.
This is my feeling. I won't go around recommending works or writers if I don't believe in the work myself, but I won't go out of my way to slag it either. Unless I'm in some kind of formal review situation. Which is entirely different.
And just speaking generally about the work of friends: just because a person is your friend really doesn't mean you're obligated to like every story they write. Even if you're in the lucky situation of being in a mutual admiration society most of the time there will be stuff that you write that they're not that into and vice versa. It's perfectly okay to say that you're not into their zombie story if pressed, but I see no reason to go out of your way to give unsolicited criticism or even well-meaning advice that nobody asked for. Not even if the solution to whatever problem you perceive is glaringly obvious to you. That kind of interaction always ends in tears--yours and the tears of that person who is no longer your friend. :)
Yes. It's impossible not to be touchy about one's creative efforts, even when you know better. And once everyone is at a certain level of writing ability, a great deal becomes subjective anyway.
I don't write, though sometimes I have a strong desire to rewrite things I'm reading. If I'm editing, it's my job to critique the work. If it's something already published, I'll post about it if I liked it, or sometimes lately say that a particular book turned out not to be to my taste. I have a tendency to be harsh about the proofreading on some e-books if I feel I could have done it better, but I'm not faulting the author in those cases. If someone asks me for advice, I figure they're serious about wanting an honest answer.
This is a great topic. I have a personal policy never to put my friends on the spot by asking them directly if they liked my book. I figure if they read it and like it, they'll tell me. If not, I don't want to know!
On the other hand, I do sometimes ask colleagues for a critical reading and feedback. But to my mind, that's a different thing entirely. If they agree to do that work for me, then I feel they deserve the same respect I'd give to my editor.
If someone asks me for advice, I figure they're serious about wanting an honest answer.
Absolutely. This is at the point where the comments may be of some use to the author. No point pussy footing around, although I will say that even to this day, I always hope to hear some positives along with the negatives of any work I'm having critiqued. It's the spoonful of sugar tht helps the medicine go down.
On the other hand, I do sometimes ask colleagues for a critical reading and feedback. But to my mind, that's a different thing entirely. If they agree to do that work for me, then I feel they deserve the same respect I'd give to my editor.
I agree. A real friend supplies the help you need when you ask for it.
It's funny -- I do the same thing. I really only have one friend who I will ask outright if she liked a book or not. But her insights and analysis are so useful, even if she didn't like everything about a particular work, that it's fascinating to read what didn't work for her. But then she's someone who really thinks through her opinions.
It was my policy until very recently to submit a manuscript when I was happy with it and to simply take it on the chin when it either got contracted or not. For some reason I take criticism really well from my editors (and they do criticize, I've had them tell me I need to rewrite half a book before it would work for them) That doesn't bother me one bit. I don't like to hear it from perceived friends, though, and I don't like reading reviews.
Lately, though, I've asked other writers, for a second pair of eyes. Or a third and fourth. At some point you want to get better, you want to know what they know and gain some perspective from their experience. Um. I imagine you've noticed by now that none of them have been you. Nothing personal dahling but I've only just ordered my body armor and it hasn't been delivered yet. ;-)
I read a lot of books, though, that appeal to me and aren't well written. I'm not naming names, but sometimes a magnificent train-wreck works for me in the same way as... I dunno, Plan Nine From Outer Space. Like an Mst3k episode, I can sit back and relax and enjoy something like that, and I'm not ashamed to admit it.
And I know I've mentioned this before, but I'm not a reviewer, I have no ability with literary criticism, and sometimes one sentence can make an otherwise ordinary book really special to me.
So when friends ask, I read a small bit, give an honest opinion about that, positives and negatives, and gage their reaction to the bit that I talked about, and if it's hostile, defensive or otherwise negative? I simply say, "My that's some baby you got there," as I would if someone showed me a wrinkly little newborn human child, and move on.
BTW - my captcha word is "butkiers" and I swear by all that's holy I'm going to write a book with a manservant just to name him that.
I love this subject.
Speaking from the receiving end, I wanted to point out that sometimes, 'be honest,' means just that. I often have a problem getting a really honest opinion without any hedging. But if I have a wimpy heroine, I want to hear about it long before it reaches the editor. LOL!
As y'all have said, it takes a fair amount of tiptoeing around before a friend/crit partner is comfortable enough to be completely honest.
And having stepped on a couple of "sensitive" toes in my time, I, too, start out tiptoeing when asked for an opinion.
Um. I imagine you've noticed by now that none of them have been you. Nothing personal dahling but I've only just ordered my body armor and it hasn't been delivered yet. ;-)
And I am grateful for that. Purely from a time-factor standpoint. But, in fairness, I do get several requests a month, and so far no one has gone home crying. Or if they have, they're still coming back for more, so it can't be too painful.
Speaking from the receiving end, I wanted to point out that sometimes, 'be honest,' means just that. I often have a problem getting a really honest opinion without any hedging. But if I have a wimpy heroine, I want to hear about it long before it reaches the editor. LOL!
Generally no one enjoys criticism, but better before the book is out, then after.
I will give my very honest opinion only if it's one of my critique partners! My CP's all have skins of an armadillo, and we expect brutal honesty in our critiques.
When a 'friend' ask me to read something s/he has written, I will softly cloak my criticims...good news, bad news. I don't want to stifle anyone's creativity. My opinion is only one of many, and in any 'art', it's very subjective.
What a great post, Josh! I recently critiqued for a brand new author with aspirations to publish and faced this very dilemma. While the MS needed A LOT of work, I strove to point out the author's strengths as well. I think that a good balance of positive and negative go a long way toward giving an honest critique--so long as the author in question can "handle the truth." And, like many have already mentioned, the critique should never be given in that brutal "You suck, this will never sell, this doesn't work" way.
The bottom line is, in this profession, if you can't handle criticism, writing isn't for you. No one likes everything ever written. Opinions are, by definition, subjective. The thicker the skin, the happier the writer, I say. :)
Thanks for the thought-provoking topic!
Marie
This is a great topic, and one that all of us run into now and then. The last book that I took the advice of others on ended up going through more re-writes and edits than any other book I've written. I try to trust my instincts and voice, and after that, its between me and my editor.
I do occasionally get asked to look at something, and I guess I must be a little too honest, because I don't get asked so much anymore! LOL!
Here's the thing: just because I don't like it doesn't mean that its not good, or that other people won't like it. For example, that high-profile author with the initials "NR" puts me to sleep. I can't stand her stuff. Obviously I am in the minority!
I have a friend who puts a lot of spanking in her books. I hate it. Nothing pushes my buttons like spanking, but she's an awesome author. She knows I hate spanking and once we got that out of the way, I can beta-read her stuff and appreciate the fantastic things about her writing.
So this all largely depends on why the author is asking. Do they want a critique, an opinion or a pat on the head? If I hate 75% of the book, I can always like the heroine's shoes.
You have to be honest, else you're just blowing smoke up their butt.
Honestly, gentle honesty, is the best policy. :)
Great topic, Josh.
I belong to a crit. group - and we're all honest with each other. Sometimes, tho, after the honest opinions (and that is all they are) are given, it's up to the reciever to take what they want from it. And ignore the rest.
I also judge in several contests. I've learned to give encouragement, vital to unpublished writers, and that diplomacy is absolutely necessary -by pointing out good, the bad and the ugly in what is usually the first 3 chatpers without destroying someone's hopes and dreams, yet giving them feedback.
Diplomacy is a good thing. Whether with friends, acquaintances, or other writers who ask for your opinion. I always state up front, this is my opinion. That's all. Not the word of God, or of an expert, or a literary genius, cuz I am none of those things.
But when I ask my friends, fellow writers, etc. for feedback, I try to mention what I'm looking for, like does the plot work, is the hero(ine) TSTL, does the dialogue suck? It can get the real, useful, feedback I'm looking for, without putting someone on the spot. Sometimes I get it, sometimes I get "the color goes with your eyes or your hair looks good in the back."
And I can take it or leave it. My choice. Depending on the weight I place on the person telling me the truth about my ugly baby.
Oh, and how much chocolate or Kahula I've had that day.
. I will find something nice to say. However tangential. I LOVE your cover!
oops! you ruined my standard line when I don't want to give an opinion! oh well... luckily, every few people actually care about my opinions when it comes to literature. But a couple of times I was asked to "have a look" at a friend's attempt to write the "next great American novel". And nope, they are not going to be the next GAN. And yes, I waffled to give any coherent opinion. And yes, it was awkward for awhile afterwards.
Some new writers (or fanfiction writers) honestly thought they could take the truth until they hear it (I've witnessed fanfic writers demand people not to discuss their works after a few negative "comments"). Granted some criticism are not constructive, but like you said, part of the responsiblity lies with the person who asked for an opinion. And if you put your work out there, it's part of the game.
I do think it takes a lots of confidence for a writer not to be affected by negative comments. New writers, in particular, tend to focus too much on the negative and forget the fact that there are people out there who like their work.
It's a great topic and I agree with many of the posters here. Timing and also how things are said matter.
I may want an honest opinion but I don't need it rammed down my throat with hot words that don't do anything to help me. And it's only one opinion. It might be a hot button for you but not someone else so yes, I'm going to ask more than one person.
When asked, I'm always careful, but honest. I do find something I like and praise that and offer critiquing on the rest. And I've been know to say, this didn't work for me because of xx but you may want to see if it works for someone else. I might be biased from my own life experiences where someone else isn't.
Post a Comment