Bobby Michaels : The Realities of Sex and Romance from the Gay Man's perspective

This is the first time I've blogged here and since I wanted to be interesting, I've decided to give you my views on an issue which seems to be very controversial among romance readers but, for the life of me, I can't understand why.

It's this issue about whether or not a writer of M/M romance is male or female. I think the issue, for me, boils down to how good is the writing. Does it move me? Am I turned on by it? Does it hold my interest? Do I like/love the characters?

These are all the questions I ask myself about any book I read. And it doesn't matter what sex the writer is. If I can answer yes to all four of those questions then it's a good book.

This is not to say that there are not differences between male and female writers. One of the things that I notice about male/male romance written by women is that it takes too long to get to the sex. Women evidently like a slow approach and a build up to sex. Males, for the most part, could care less about waiting. Their biological imperative says, "Get it now! And, if there's time and energy, get it again!"

One of the things that bothers me about female authors is that it is obvious that many of them do no research into what they're writing about. Let me say this clearly for all of you out there:
MASTURBATION IS SOMETHING YOU DO ALONE -- NOT WITH YOUR LOVER!

If masturbation happens it is usually part of pre-play. Sometimes, it happens at the end because the male cannot get off any other way. But in that case, it is something the male does himself not usually something his partner does for him. Mutual masturbation is play. It is not an end in itself. Males quickly move on from it to oral or anal sex (or both).

There are males who are VERY into masturbation, but that is a fetish not the way most males have sex. Some of these guys are into something called "EDGING". No, this has nothing to do with your lawn and a Weed Wacker. This is where I guide masturbates for hours and hours bringing himself close -- just to the edge of coming -- sometimes a dozen or more times before finally letting go and coming -- usually with a high volume of sperm and, take it from me, a lot of pain in his groin afterwards. Some guys do like to jack another guy off or have somebody jack them off but this usually happens as a type of experiment not the usual way they have sex.

As to getting fucked, unless you know what you're doing, or the fucker does it inordinate amount of work getting the anal muscles to relax, the first time it's probably going to be very painful for the bottom, at least at the start. If you've never taken something that big up inside you, trust me -- it hurts! And, strangely enough, the pain is all around the anal opening -- not inside. Hear me clearly on this point: YOU CANNOT FEEL SOMEONE CUM INSIDE YOU! The people who usually make this mistake are gay male writers. I guess they are people who have never been fucked or they would know better. You can feel the cock spasm as the guy shoots his load but you cannot feel the warm cum hitting the walls of your colon. It would be really nice if you could, but the body just ain't made that way.

One thing that might surprise you, and this is one of my arguments that gay sex is perfectly "natural" -- there are more nerve endings around the anal opening then there are around the head of the penis. The potential for pleasure is enormous. That is why my personal favorite activity -- rimming -- may not be every male's favorite thing to do, but they sure love having it done!

All it takes to learn how males like to have sex with other males is to go to any porn websites and watch it.

One thing I really hate to write and, luckily, because I write romance I rarely have to -- are three ways. First of all, in my own experience, they rarely work. Two of the guys are always more attracted to each other than a third, and the third feels left out. The only time it has really worked for me is with two lovers. I'm getting off on them, and they're getting off on having somebody different in the mix. You have to understand that there's a tremendous difference between romance novels and real life. This is true even though I've had countless e-mails from readers who obviously cannot separate fantasy from reality. I've even received e-mails addressed to my characters! No matter how much to males love each other, no matter how much they care, it is hard, if not impossible, to sustain the excitement of the early sex in the relationship. Each couple has to find a way to deal with this. Either by opening the relationship and allowing sex with other people or keeping the relationship closed to just the two of them which often times spells the doom of the relationship.

The one question that the two partners have to answer is what did they mean by the word "Fidelity"? Is it physical? Or emotional? Is it truly that important for your partner to stay physically faithful to you? Or is the real importance being emotionally faithful -- not loving anyone but you. After all, it's not like you're male lover is going to come home pregnant with somebody else's kid for you to raise. They might come home with some kind of a disease but that has nothing to do with how they feel about you. That has more to do with an awful lot of irresponsibility on their part. That, of course, should make you question whether you want to be in a relationship with this person or not.

When I read this to my friend Dawn (Kate Steele) she told me I was "killing romance". Like I said, I'm talking about reality here NOT romance.

And I'm talking about this because I have some worries about what I and the rest of the authors who write male/male romance are doing. Yes, we're providing entertainment to those who want to read this type of thing but we are all so, perhaps inadvertently, setting up models of how male/male romances should be. Oftentimes, these models bear no resemblance to reality but young gay males reading them don't know that. We're talking here about a group of males who are just about the most romantic people on earth. They begin to believe that in order to have "THE RELATIONSHIP" that they have dreamed of all their lives, they need to find an alpha male, fall head over heels in love at first sight, and spend the rest of their lives desiring no one else but him so that we can have the required HEA. And how many people get that? One in a million? One in 10 million? One in 100 million? But I've known too many of these guys who spend their entire lives looking for just that and ending up old and alone. At least, the women who read these stories are safe from this. After all, if she has even a modicum of common sense, she knows the last thing she'd ever want is some relationship with a gay male. At least, let's hope so.

Just to make sure that I haven't given you the wrong impression, I love male/male romance written by women. I am often surprised and gratified at how well they get it right. I could never come that close if I ever was crazy enough to try and write a lesbian romance.

So I guess at this point, you might be wondering, given my already stated reservations, why I write male/male romance at all. That's very simple. From my earliest age I was given one piece of advice about writing: "Write what you know." I have been attracted to males since I was probably three or four years old. That's over 50 years. If I don't know these beautiful, nasty, egotistical, muscular, masculine, childish, childlike, angry, confused, horny, intelligent, stupid, loving, protecting, caring entities by now -- I never will. What I write are my own deepest desires and fantasies knowing full well that there is no chance on God's green earth that I am ever going to find fulfilment of them. But it's really fun to try and create your own perfect fantasy and share it with other people. I truly hope that someday I could meet a man who could make me ditch the fantasies because I no longer need them. A man who would love, unconditionally, a crazy mixed up writer who down deep inside still believes in Love.

BOBBY MICHAELS