Since this is my first post at Loose Ends, I wanted to talk about something scintillating, exciting, maybe even a touch controversial, so the topic I came up with was sex toys...
...but then I decided I'd die of embarrassment.
Yes, I write erotic romance, yet rarely do I talk about sex in my everyday life--and I mean outside of the bedroom. One of the raciest dinner conversations I've ever listened to--note: I didn't do much of the talking--was at a conference where I was seated with a table of erotic romance writers. That was fun.
So how is it that I can write about sex (and maybe even do interesting...shh, we won't go there!), but blush cherry red when I talk about it? Like when I went to see my friend's band play. My male friend has read my stuff. In fact, he gets to read alot of it before it's published. And he made some comment in front of another friend--I nearly died on the spot. Good, thing I'd started drinking already. No, I'm not going to tell you what the comment was. I don't talk about it, remember?
I guess I come from a don't ask-don't tell family, and I was adept at not getting caught (unlike my sis). I have noticed lately, though, that when I'm around "straight" romance writers, I'll invariably say something that gets me a strange look. Something will just pop out of my mouth that I was pretty sure was normal, but just isn't talked of in polite circles. Apparently hanging out with my usual crowd of EroRom authors, surrounded by lingerie and penis straws while sitting on an overstuffed stiletto, has changed me somehow. How can that be?
Like I find myself discussing whether the in-laws would notice the chips were in a penis-shaped tray if I bought it for a family party, and whether a 6-foot whip is entirely too long for BDSM in the bedroom. Seriously, wouldn't you just spend the whole evening thinking about Indiana Jones? Maybe that's a good thing!
Speaking of BDSM, BLAME IT ON THE MOON (my latest with Loose Id) got the BDSM rating in the description. Whoa! Did my mom read that? I know she bought the book, so I'm hoping her PDA batteries die before she gets to those parts. I really don't want that topic discussed, ie. blurted out, during my son's next birthday party.
Now it's your turn. Talk to me. How do you feel about talking about sex? What's your comfort level? Like, I'd rather hand my son an age-appropriate library book than actually talk about it, but I think I did okay...with the book's help. And, if you're less shy than I am, feel free to discuss sex toys, too. Tell me your faves. I'll nod and enjoy the conversation...as long as I don't have to talk. LOL
Last of all, I have a contest posted on my News Page with some cool prizes related to BLAME IT ON THE MOON. Check it out at http://www.sharalanel.com/.
Shara
Feb 7, 2008
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18 comments:
I'm with you Shara! I can read it just fine, but talk about sex...no way. Lol, I was having a discussion with my Dad and Brother the other day (I'm 40 btw), and Dad said I always sent him the dirtiest jokes... I told him they all came from my erotic writer egroups...then he started teasing me about reading porn!
I offered to lend him any of my books!
Hope you have a great weekend and much success with Blame It On The Moon! Jen :)
LOL - I'm actually pretty relaxed talking about sex. It just doesn't bother me.
Getting me to shut up, that might be a whole 'nother story.
Hi Guys. Boy, you got an early start today.
I don't talk about sex in the real world. I don't have anyone to talk to about it. Few of my friends or relatives read erotic romance. That's why these loops are a lifeline.
When I wrote my first love scene, I shocked myself at its depth. I knew the fantasies were inside me. I didn't know that putting the words on paper were in me. It was the most freeing and defining moment for me. I knew then what I wanted to do for the rest of my life.
I've come to realize that I'm pretty "closet." All things sex are internalized. I'm working from fantasies and memories. My hubby gives me sex and but much more. Warmth and unconditional acceptance, which is something I've always needed. I try to write that kind of emotional intensity for my characters and then package them with the physical looks of my fantasies.
Oh, wait, sex toys. That was the topic. God, I'm a repressed erotic romance writer. :-) I'll have to read later comments.
Thanks, Jen. Moon is doing nicely so far--I think it's the rockin' cover :-)
Maura, good for you. I wish I could be more relaxed.
Jane, I actually posted before I went to bed, so I wouldn't have to worry about waking up. I'm NOT a morning person.
I know what you mean about writing the love scenes. I pull from experience, things I've read, and the characters and blend that all together. My crit partner once told me my writing comes alive during the love scenes. Oh, speaking of afraid to talk about sex. My crit partner can't even make herself write the love scenes, even when her stories require them, which is rare.
Shara, I come alive when I'm writing my love scenes. Now, snappy dialogue is another matter. I try to write truncated dialogue during love scenes, but I could write the hot scenes all day. I have a friend who is not a writer, but should be. Her stuff is so funny. She and I should team up.
Speaking of sex toys, I'm writing a scene that includes them. I need to make a "research" trip to a local sex shop, but that involves 2 EL trains and 5 blocks walking. And in 27 degree snowy winter. There are closer stores, but this one is huge so the clerks wouldn't be hanging over me while I ogle butt plugs. Hmmm.
I read and write erotic romance, but I don't talk about it, except in the most casual, instructual way with my kids. If I don't talk to them about it, who will? But I don't get into specifics. Some things are too personal.
Sex toys, hmmm. I've gone into stores like Adam & Eve, and because of romances I've read wasted money on some. I just don't get it. I guess (being celebate) I'd rather have a real lover(male),with all of the emotional and physical benefits that come with it than empty gratification. Bottom line, they just don't do anything for me. But, to each his own.
And Shara, if I were in person instead of on the net, I'd never admit this. I'm much more open when writing than in conversation. Must be a writer's mentality.
I enjoy writing hot sexy stories where I can let my imagination really go wild! I pretty much block out the "censor" part of my brain. I want my characters to feel free to do anything they please inside or outside the bedroom. And they've taught me a few things in the process. Be true to ourselves, and if this is what we enjoy writing, those sexy over the top hot hot sex scenes, then so be it! I always amaze myself at some of the scenes I've written and I start to wonder...where did that all come from? Simply because my personal life is pretty darn ordinary! As far as sex toys, I've written a whole story that revolves around a husband who orders a huge box of these sex toys and it's delivered before he can get home and the wife opens up the box. Doing the research on that story was a great education in and of itself. :)
Zena, I totally relate to the online vs. real life thing. I have this whole outgoing personality online that I rarely have in real life. Like the few time I've given a talk, my hands shake and my voice trembles.
As far as sex toys, a group of us have done signings at this place called The Pink Banana and the manager always shows us new and...ahem...interesting products while we're there. Plus I can walk up to something and say "Duh, what is this for?" and they'll explain it. Of course, sometimes I still can't quite imagine it ;-)
Marie, your sex toy box idea sounds cool!
I prefer a live lover but sex toys are not only for SOLO playtime!
Maura, certainly not. Why, there was this big purple thing at the store that was definitely for two people ;-)
I confess. I actually do have a small box of these "things" stored up high on a shelf inside my bedroom closet. In the box there's a neat pair of handcuffs, a blindfold, and a bit of rope... all in the name of research of course. And then there's the educational sex tapes, one specifically -- a how to on "toys." Only you guys know! So keep it a secret.
Marie, I have a pair of handcuffs--hah, mini ones on a keychain for my BLAME IT ON THE MOON giveaway. Anything else, mum's the word.
I'm not a big one for talking about toys and such, but there is one friend I share with. Can't let my hubby know though, cause he's a real prude when it comes to talking about personal stuff. Make it about someone else and watch him go though! ;)
Funny thing about butt plugs... you really have to watch those descriptions. We got one that had a 'flexible' base. which, it turns out is meant to be attatched to a surface, like a sucker. Great for solo play, but what I didn't realize is that this also meant the base could roll up if it wasn't attached.... and end up sliding all the way in.
That was an experience, because there was NO WAY I was going to have someone else help with the removal.
As far as all the other toys are concerned... we got a nice looking box, looks like an old fashioned suitcase, so we can keep it out in the open and not worry about people getting into it easily. (yes it does have a lock)
I am an online shopper, just feel too exposed walking into a store, expecially now that we moved away from L.A. Somehow it was easier there.
Tiffany, I totally understand your choice to shop online. Makes sense. Neat idea about the old fashion suitcase in the open.
It depends on who I'm talking too, as to whether or not sexual topics will bother me. I'm good around friends, even my family, but you throw me in a room with my inlaws and I'll turn three shades of pink at the mention of anything. :)
Amanda, my inlaws won't even buy or read my books, so we definitely don't broach the subject of sex. Except that time my mom asked my hubby, "How do you like having your sex life on display for everyone to read?" right in front of my inlaws! I nearly died on the spot before reminding her that I write FICTION, Mom, FICTION!
Sorry I'm catching up to you a bit late (damn time zone) but better late than never. Sex doesn't really bother me or embarrass me. I think I've been embarrassed over lesser things too many times in my life to worry about it now, though saying that, we've yet to let my mother-in-law read my books. Relatives give you enough funny looks already, don't you know!
However, there is something that bothers me when discussing sex as a romance writer. I think because you've written something explicit that people think you're part of the sex industry and then they seem to think they can ask you anything and that you'll happily sell yourself as well as the book. I'll laugh and joke over sex, but my private life is my private life. I don't think any of my books have entered the BDSM range (though if I ever want to edge into that then that's up to me) but because an author writes about whips and chains, it doesn't translate that he or she uses them in the bedroom.
They say write about what you know but what that rule means is if you don't know, then you research and you can do that by reading and asking. If I want to write about a parachute jump I sure as hell won't jump out of a plane. If I suffer any embarrassment it's over what people assume but then I think they can assume what they like. I bought my hubby a t-shirt that reads: I'm married to a romance writer and I benefit big time. He's even worn it to work.
Sharon, I've encountered those sort of assumptions, and I laugh and remind folks that I write fiction. But sometimes it catches me off guard and I blush rather than say something witty.
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